By Ms. Shweta Jhamb, Rehabilitation Psychologist & Career Counsellor
“Parenting is not about choosing a rigid identity or following a single trend off a menu; it is the art of becoming the anchor your specific child needs at their specific stage of growth.”
Standing in the storm but not trying to row your boat
Imagine that you are on a ship, and suddenly a storm erupts offshore. Now imagine the lighthouse at the cliff ahead. The lighthouse does not come down to your boat to try and row you back to the harbor as the wind screams and waves pound. It stands steady on the cliffside, sending out a guiding light through the storm. This is what having parents that can always keep their ground and provide stability and reassurance means to children.
While over the last decade millions of parents have tried to “be gentle,” an entire generation of children is suffering from gentle parenting burnout. Kids today need lighthouse parents, not parents that attempt to be their “friends.” Parents that set firm boundaries and let their children “stand in the storm” of their mistakes rear better children and reduce their own stress levels.
Let’s discuss why “gentle parenting” has left so many burnt out and what “lighthouse parenting” looks like.
Why Gentle Parenting Left Parents Feeling Burned Out
Gentle parenting is the idea that toddlers and kids should be validated, that their emotions are the driving force behind their actions
Gentle parents learned to negotiate with their children. They tried to “agree” on everything from getting dressed to cleaning their plate. But somewhere in between hours spent negotiating, reflecting feelings back to their children, and explaining why throwing blocks off the couch isn’t acceptable, gentle parents burned out.
Kids don’t want their parents to be more like their peers
They want them to set firm boundaries.
The reality is that children do best with parents who have a strong presence in their lives. Not only do kids need structure, but they also look to their parents to help them learn how to behave appropriately in society.
Practical tip: Instead of reflecting feelings back to your children, try stating boundaries in short, simple statements. “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit.”
“Platter Parenting” Is Not A One-Size-Fits-All Approach
Perhaps a social media influencer taught you to take their parenting philosophies – their platter of parenting advice – and apply them to your kids. But every child is different.
Every child has different emotional and developmental requirements depending on their age:
• Toddlers need more physical structure,
• school aged children need more collaborative problem solving,
• and teenagers need more freedom.
Additionally, every child has a different temperament; some are more sensitive, some are more social. And depending on your child’s temperament – and the family dynamic as a whole – you may need to use different tactics. A defiant child needs a firmer, “but fair” approach than a sensitive child. And maybe you’re the one who needs extra support; parenting is emotionally taxing, especially when you’re raising multiple children.
Practical Tip: Get acquainted with your child’s temperament. If you have a sensitive child asking for lots of reassurance, you might need to be a gentler parent. If you have a rebellious child, you might need to be a lighthouse parent as a rebellious child responds better to limits that do not fluctuate
“Lighthouse” Parents Should Remain Steady Even In The Storm
When we start talking to parents about “adapting” to their children it can sometimes give the impression that they should start “becoming” someone else entirely. This is not the case. Parents need to be a constant regardless of circumstances. A child will always feel the most secure around a parent that remains steady like an anchor in the storm.
Let’s say for instance a lighthouse parent has a sensitive child and a rebellious teenager. The lighthouse parent can “adapt” their tone of voice when talking to one over the other, but they should always remain the reliable and secure figure they need to be for both.
If however we have a platter parent that bounces between being gentle with their sensitive child and strict with their rebellious older child the younger one will be left feeling insecure.
Practical Tip: Set Non Negotiables. Have rules you will always stand by regardless of age and circumstance. An example of a non negotiable would be “We always treat each other with respect” “Safety rules don’t change”
Parents who manage to beacons for their kids foster emotional intelligence and confidence in them, and can also be an outlet for their own stresses as a parent
Stress parenting burnout is when a parent tries to “cure” their child’s emotions or be their friend.
Being “gentle” actually requires greater effort from parents and puts more responsibility on the parent to “reflect feelings” and “negotiate.” The reverse is true when parents set firm, but fair boundaries. Kids are given the opportunity to be more emotionally intelligent since the parent isn’t reflecting feelings back to the child.
Rather, the parent in stills confidence that the parent is a safe person and that they can get through whatever challenge they are facing with relative ease.
The parent can walk away knowing that the kid has the tools they need to manage their emotions and feelings on their own.
Practical tip: Think about the “Ten Second Rule.” If you want to stop parenting burnout out, stop parenting “fixers” for your child. Give the child 10 seconds to think through their own solution before intervening. Give the child the space to try and figure it out for themselves.
Standing In As A Steady Presence
Parenting was never a “platter” with options of different “styles” for parents to “choose” from, it was always a “lighthouse.” As both parents and kids evolve and mature, it’s important that we recognize their need to have us, as parents, to “stand in” as a steady presence, not “dive” into the surf and waves. “At the end of the day, children don’t need perfect parents who follow a single handbook; they need self-aware parents who see who their child truly is and stand steady through every stage of their storm.”
What about you? How do you balance adapting to your child’s unique personality while keeping your boundaries steady and consistent at home?
By Ms. Shweta Jhamb, Rehabilitation Psychologist & Career Counsellor
